How I Killed Voldymort
by DaftPenguinofDoom
Summary: Hermione's a dumb blonde, Ron's drunk and Harry's a useless fop who's got stuck in France. Decide who killed Voldy and I'll give you a cookie! written, of course, before the seventh book
1. The Nail Salon

Welcome to my land of chaos. You have entered and there is no going back now that you've come.

Story told in a Wizarding nail salon.

I was walking around one day on my usual quest to find the answer to nuclear physics when I stumbled across something very interesting in a history book, which was ironic considering that I was looking for a science answer. Voldy's favorite food happens to be the magically delicious Lucky Charms. It was terribly unfortunate for him because I know how to charm Lucky Charms which is considerably easy considering that… well…. you know… they're Lucky Charms. So, putting all that aside, I finally found out that no one in the magical kingdom knows how to do nuclear physics except Dumbledore and he's… a bit stressed… being "dead" and all. I sighed and walked out of the library and went on a quest to find the magical Lucky Charms. Thank God I'm a mudblood… that's at least the one thing that we have in common, Voldy and I. We're the few and the proud who know what Lucky Charms are. I decided that this was a good time for chaos and escaped off of the Hogwarts campus.

Really, they should make it harder… this is what? The billionth time I've gotten off campus without anyone noticing me? Naturally everyone was looking for me, but I really didn't care. Prof. McGonagall was supposed to be watching us, but hey! If she can't keep track of the "Golden Trio" as those idiot fans like to call us, then nuts to her. No, I really like McGonagall, but really, the old girl is losing her touch… even though she's the headmistress… y'know, she really hasn't been the same since those buttmunchers hit her with those stunning spells.

Anywho, I snuck off campus and went into the nearest grocers and it wasn't very useful. I decided that being the fabulous seventeen year old that I am, to go to America… Why? I have no idea… just kinda popped in there… so I flew… y'know with a broomstick and all… because I don't like apparating over long distances, that's why. I fell into the ocean a couple of times… the Atlantic is cold in the spring. So I had to use drying spells and that did nothing for my hair. But uh… so then I walked into the closest liquor mart and wouldn't you know it? The age requirements in America are different… 21! Ugg! I couldn't even get a bottle of brandy and heavens knows I needed it after falling into that freezing water like… five times… BUT they did sell Lucky Charms… how does that work? I can get a box of Lucky Charms in a liquor store and not liquor! The world has gone mad… I really have no idea why I went to America… It seemed like a good idea at the time.

So I fly back… I told you! I don't like apparating over long distances… it makes me nervous… I might end up with body parts in… like… France or something… and who wants to be in France?

So I come back. I had a spendiforus charm to work on… and I did… and I came up with amazing exploding marshmallows. It was incredible. So Voldy, because he's so special, keeps coming up with these "Oh-so-creative" ways of capturing us. This time, he decided to plant portkeys all over his special little fun house while we were looking for a Horcrux so we kept landing in dorky places like… oh… Hogshead and because he can't come up with any thing different the Shrieking Shack and once we got sent to like… Mongolia… no… it was the Himalayans… the Abominable Snowman was there… nice guy actually… gave us bunny slippers… so anyway… as if that slowed us down. I mean, it's like the guy has never even heard of apparating. I mean, he's like… "The Dark Lord" and the Mastermind of Evil and all that jazz… but really, Voldy is a few tacos short of a combo platter… a few bricks short of a load… the lights are on upstairs, but nobody's home… you get the idea.

I wanted red… this looks pink.

So we apparate back, and the dude is flipping out and cursing at us and stuff… I dunno how many times he said the death curse, but the man does not have very good aim… he's like… only good at short range. I really couldn't say why he's so feared… get twenty feet away from him and there is no way he can hit you. So anyway, about an hour of all this back and forth cursing and hexing… oh! That's the other thing, Voldy can't hex worth beans. He can curse like a drunken sailor, but he can't hex... throws a decent Crucios actually… hmm… but he can't hex… Ginny had bats flying around his head for ten minutes before he finally found the anti-charm.

So I'm sitting there waiting for Ron to come back from Timbuktu because he stupidly grabbed an African mask off of the wall to throw at Old Snake Face and went portkeying to Africa. So I'm waiting behind a statue of… someone or other and I'm like… what I wouldn't do for a bowl of MY magically delicious bowl of Lucky Charms… and then I'm like… DUH ACCIO you idiot! After forcing yourself to learn that dumb charm by yourself you can't even use it… so I said the charm and there came MY magical Lucky Charms. And they're floating through the air and Voldy catches a glance at them and starts drooling. He's completely dazed watching the Lucky Charms pass his face and then he watches where they go to and I think to myself "Oh CRUD! Now he's going to find out where I'm hiding! I better had move," but it was too late.

So there was Voldy… I've never seen a man so pitiful before. He's standing there like a puppy begging for just a bite of Lucky Charms. And I'm thinking, "This guy is pathetic! He's supposed to be like… the most powerful Wizard ever and I have him at my very fingertips and command with a bowl of Lucky Charms… so sad," so he starts hissing at me with his stupid language thing and I'm like, "Oh please, you don't scare me," and conjure up some milk and pour it in.

It crackles a little, but I know that's just the way lucky charms are, because they won't explode until they hit his stomach and start digesting … Because my charms are so cool that way. And like some sort of merciful mothers, I beam down at him in this kind of smile at his pitiful stature… he's like… kneeling before me with his hands folded, begging like a dog!... So I give the bowl to him and he scarfs them down like there's no tomorrow… well, there isn't for him.

Just as I'm handing him another bowl, his poor little tummy starts rumbling and I'm like "OH CRAP! HIT THE DECK EVERY ONE!" and I run for cover behind some furniture. Ron returns from Timbuktu just as Voldy spontaneously combusts. It was nasty!

And that's how I defeated Voldy… oh stop cringing… the dude is dead already…


	2. The Russian Saloon

Told in a Russian Wizarding Saloon (as they say in real estate: location, location, location!)

I think I'm drunk… but sure! I'll tell ye what happened. More vvvvodkaaaa So there we were… waiting at school for something to happen… Hermione was missing again… that girl… for someone so intent on not breaking the rules she's even more of a rule breaker than we are.

So like McDoogals… sorry… I'm drunk… McDonald's… Mcglonagal… dang! McGonnagol… McGonagall! There! That's a mouthful. Is going crazy like "Aaaaaa! Aaaaaa! Where is that giiiirrrrl! Aaaaaah! Must protect the students! AAAAAAAAH!" Honesthly, I think she went a li'l loopy after Dumbledore died… She's still like "AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!" And Harry and I are watching her run up and down this one corridor doing that like Crud man… this is stupid. See, she's stupposed to be watching us like… twenty four seven… really annoying. So we have to follow her around and stuff and sleep in this like… charmed room and stuff… very strange…

And then Airy sees Her-my-own flying back on a broom stick and she's all wet and we are all wondering why… and I'm like what the crud is she doing on a broom? She gets back and is all like "I don't want to end up in France…" yeah, I have noooo idea… but she's right… no one wants to end up with those frogs…

She's fine and back in her room and everything is yust spiffy until night fall. In the middle of the night, Hairy's all thrashing around going "My blue blankie! Gimmie my blue blankie! Aaaaaaaah!"

Oh! sorry abouth that… more vodka! No, I have not had enough.

And I'm going "Haaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrryy, what the bloody heck is going on?"

… Thank you! No! Never mind! Gimme the whole bottle! Drinks all around!... sorry about that shirt…

And he smacks me in the nose and keeps screaming about his blue blankie. Then he wakes up and I'm like, What the hell was that? and he's all "uuuuuuh… ummm… it was…. uh Vol…demort… yeah, that's it Voldemort… and he ummmm…. he's… in the uuuhhh Riddle Manor yeah… yeah… in the Riddle Manor…" I'm like, "Mate, you were saying something about a blue blankie… what was that?" He began pouting, "Are you going to believe me or not? After all, I'm the only poor little boy in the whole wide world whose parents have died and I'm the one with the scar on my head and no one else has to go through the eternal agony that I have to go through!" and I can see the big fat crocodile tears welling up in his eyes and I'm thinking, "oh no, not another temper tantrum" which drag on for forever so I'm like "fine."

We sneak out of our charmed room… not very charmed I suppose… yeah, I thought that was weird too… and go into Hermione's and Ginny's charmed room which is even weirder because it was supposed to be protective of anyone not Hermione, Ginny or of course McGone-again… Mc Glontagal… McGonagall!... Ginny is in there because for some stupid reason, Micky-G decided that my liddle sister had to be in the same room with her to keep her company or something. I wake up Hermy and tell her what Potter said and she's like "I need some Lucky Charms," I'm going look girl, you don't need charms, you need some coffee.

I can tell that Harry is getting sulky again so we depart from the castle after getting on the invisibility cloak… y'know… it's funny that McGlonagal hasn't found it and taken it away from us yet. Anywho so we go to the excellent Riddle Manor and there's this strange green glow thing going on inside. I'm going "This is a baaaad idea…" but we go in anywho.

And there Voldy is and he's going grrrr grrr grrrr… like foaming at the mouth or something. And there are all his special death eater things like, "Roar! How dare you enter our secret head quarters! Die rebel scum! Blah! You are so inferior! Aaaaaaa! Weasleys! You are so poor and we are so rich! Your family is so pointless! Gaaaaa! Granger! You are such a Mudblood! We are so pure-bloods! Potter! You are so unmagical and stupid! Your parents are so dead and we so killed them!"

Ugg! Tell us something we didn't know… but Potter took the bait anyway he runs at them crying and screaming like, "Waaaaaaaa! waaaaaaa! You killed my paaaaaaarents! Waaaaaa!" Hermione and I look at each other and just roll our eyes like "here we go again," And then something catches Hairy's eye. He's like, "My bllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!" Yeah so there Voldy is holding a blue blanket in his hand. I tried my hardest not to laugh. Harry rushes at him like "MY BLANKIE!" and Voldemort starts hissing at him and Harry hisses back. And then all the death eaters are like "Grrrrrowl!" and attack.

So there are spells flying everywhere. It was fun… but the most fun was when we found the portkeys that were everywhere… like we would touch a desk and it would be a portkey or brush against something and it would be a portkey. Stoopid porkeets.

Then I found myself in front of Voldymoret himselft who had these bats flying all around his head. Good shot Ginny… speaking of a good shot of Ginny… can I get a good shot of gin? When the bats stopped he pointed at me like, "You! Roar!" and he started like throwing all these curses at me and stuff. He was only like ten feet away… I dunno what his problem was, but he kept missing. So He backs me up against a wall where there is this sweet African mask and I'm like duuuude… so I pick it up to throw at him and…

I can hold my licker juuuuuuus' swell!

Sure! I go flying to Timbucktoo. Literally. It was really hot. and there were these people in the screaming at me all around. I think I landed in the middle of some street or something. I waz like "What the crud is this!" So I pick the mask back up and get back jus' in time to see him towering over Hermione and I'm like "Nooooo! you can' hurt my potential fiancé! So I hit him with like 'Voldemortus explodicus" and he exploderated.

Anti-climadic I know but that'sa way it was… I killed Woldermort and I'm here to sellerbrate… now dooI get another drink'er not?

He said as he passed out.

(All spellings and grammar errors are intentional. The man is scathingly drunk.)

(P.S. If you can't understand what he's saying half of the time, try to read it out loud as if you were seriously drunk… I find it works… and do understand, I hold dear McGonagall in the highest regard.)


	3. The Philosophical Salon

Told at an out-of-date French Wizarding Philosophical Salon (Go AP European History childrens!) In a very upper class and deeply Aristo and most certainly Fopish Accent.

Why yes, thank you how kind of you to ask… no I'm not a Frenchy, how on earth could you not tell? Good Heavens! Where am I? In FRANCE! You MUST be kidding me… stupid portkeys… just what I get for collecting souvenirs… no… not "to remember" you frog-eating… no, no! Don't kick me out! I'll be good! Crush that infamous thing! Ha ha ha! No no wait! I'll be good, honest! Honest, I will! Philosophy, eh? I have some Philosophy myself… Lockhart? What the devil are you doing here?... huh? Sent you to France, eh? The Frenchies don't need any more idiot… No no! I'll be good! Stop! Argh! Fine! I'll discuss! I'll discuss!

I totally disagree… you see the definition of evil is most certainly definite… I destroyed evil once… is that brandy? Not too long ago, actually. Thank you. Yes… Voldemort… heard about him then, eh? Well, yes, I killed him… Well, you needn't all look so shocked… you should see all of your faces… Really? Well then, I'll tell you.

It all started one lazy afternoon at Hogwarts… dashed… that sounds far too flowery… no… it wasn't at all lazy… Dear Professor McGonagall made us all come back to the school. I didn't like it… not at all… it was not good for me really, but she insisted that it was the only place that was safe. I could have killed her, but she was too close to Dumbledore and I couldn't very well defy him, even if he is dead. So McGonagall was in quite a tizzy, the poor girl. She seemed quite beside herself in worry. It seems that Hermione ran off again. Quite the rule breaker, she is. Ha ha! I should tell you, she thought the worst of it first year, but when she discovered the thrill of it, she became more of a rule breaker than both Ronny and I. Poor McGonagall was quite put out. So Ronny and I were watching her run up and down the halls searching for the lass. It seems she ran though a sight good patch of bad luck for she was not to be found.

No, Hermione was in no way in deep mental anguish over her parents being Muggles… No "philosophically speaking"… it wasn't the good in her that made her leave… No! She was not being oppressed for being a woman or a witch!... Well, why the devil should I know? Stop interrupting you French huss… alright, alright! I'll be good!

So Hermione ran off. She came back simply drenched to the bones. I asked her, "Hermione! What is the meaning of this?" she smiled at Ronny and I and says, "I don't want to end up in Fran… Franc…Francisco… San Francisco… America…" Yes, that's right, "I don't want to end up in San Francisco, America" Yes, yes I know… Americans… demmed lot aren't they? (And a great sight better than you all)… What? No… um… I'll be good I'll be good!

Anyway, I was deep asleep that night. I had gone to sleep early. I needed my beauty sleep after all. Ahh, the price of vanity. But there was something amiss. That night I had a very disturbing dream, as I usually do without a good firewhiskey to clear my mind so that that devil Voldemort can't get in up here… No, I don't like it when people in power try to take over my brain… Huh? Well, maybe here in France… What? No, I didn't say anything… And In this dream, they had taken something very valuable to me. They had taken it away and they were going to shred it if I didn't come get it. What was it?... Why it was my blue bl… I mean… umm… umm… important… documents… and uh… pic…tures of my parents and Ginny. Lord, Love you! You are an inquisitive lot aren't you?

Ginny is my very lovely fiancé. No, she isn't an alcoholic beverage! Here, I have a picture… Dreamy isn't she? Opps! Not that one… I took that one and it keeps trying to seduce me… no, I didn't charm it to do that… Here. Gorgeous, no? Yes, I thought so, too…

So anyway, I wake up and wake up Ronny who is, quite comically, drooling everywhere. He insists it was he who woke me up, but that is simply not true. I vividly remember having to punch him in the nose to get him up. Must have hurt dreadfully, I daresay.

In my dream, they were in the Riddle Manor, so I tell Ronny this. He strangely doesn't believe me. He rolls his eyes and I remind him ever so courteously that it is I who Voldy would speak through and transmit dreams and such since it was my parents whom he killed. He was the epitome of rudeness. He rolled his eyes again and even yawned during my speech! The nerve! Ronny boy has no finesse around girls. He rudely shakes Hermione awake. I prefer a more subtle approach. I kissed my Ginny awake. I do declare, she just cannot resist my charm. She pushed me off of course, but I expect that's just because she didn't want to show passionate affection to me in front of the others.

So we travel to the Riddle Manor where stands Voldemort holding a very dear possession of mine. Needless to say I was distraught. Then his Death Eaters rushed at us. They insulted us yet again. Have they no end to indecency? I had to defend my honor and my blue… blazes! Look at that!... What? Nothing? How odd… no I didn't say anything about a blue blank… er… blue nothing… I said nothing about anything blue. Magnificent place really. I actually didn't know where Voldy was… It was just my dreams. I had dreamed he was there several times, but I didn't know if he was actually there or not.

So I rushed at them daringly brandishing my wand. They were quite intimidated and fell back, but not before I threw a few choice spells at them. And after I got through all the Death Eaters and the terror of those dashed portkeys. Please, can anyone come up with anything more creative than the Shrieking Shack?

Then there I stood in front of the epitome of evil himself. I threw a confusion curse at him. Ha ha! Twas something I made up all by my very lonesome. It made it so that he could not aim properly and all of his curses went haywire. Actually, that wasn't so very good because he kept saying the Death Curse over and over again so I was afraid he'd hit somebody, but he didn't. Then again, he never was very good at spells and such… he's missed me more times than I can count. I think it was too much for me. My darling sweetheart actually sent a wonderful hex towards him… bats flying everywhere… I know… how terribly romantic.

One of the Death Eaters came right in front of me and stood there cursing at me. I think he lost a hand or something, but I couldn't understand what he said. Then there was that dear old bat, Bellatrix. I hate that wench. She angers me beyond words. Tortures everything. Kills people I've known only a few years and really haven't kept in touch with all that well… I don't think she'd be a Death Eater except for the fact that she likes seeing other people in pain… hmm… good point…

She comes and says "Ha! I have you now Potter-wotter!"

Grr… I hate those baby names she gives everyone when she's trying to be intimidating and mean. I think it shows the soft side of her actually, and how frightening of a mother she'd make. You know… I can just imagine it, 'Oh my darling sweet baby-waby… die! Do you like diaper rash! Well, take that!' shudder yes, I fear for her and her unfortunate husband, what a match she must be in bed… All I know is is that she sucks.

I got rid of her easily. I just went up and hugged her. Those death eaters can't stand love. She actually melted screaming something like "I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who ever thought that a nice little boy like you could ruin my beautiful wickedness! I'm melting, I'm melting!" Just goes to show that there is not good in everyone… especially not dear old "Bella-wella"

Hermione and I got sent to, well, what was it? Umm…. The Himalayans? Yes, there was a frightful beast there, but he seemed actually sort of nice. He threw bunny slippers at us though… when we came back, I took refuge behind a statue from the wild hexes and Hermione did too. But he saw, I guess, where she had dashed and he hovered over her and was about to strike when I pointed the death curse at him. It was the first time I had said it and it actually worked. Only, something went funny because instead of dropping dead, he exploded. Odd how these things happen ain't it?

Yes, yes, evil was destroyed… No I don't think that it went out in the world after he died. Where do you people come up it this… Yes, Voltaire and Voldemort start with the same two letters. What does that have to do with the price of batwings in Shanghi?

Well, now, it is your turn to decide. Who really killed Voldemort. I'd like to know who and why you think so.

(Well, this is the end, I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry to all Frenchies! I know quite a few and even took French myself. Four long years of it…)


End file.
